Rambling

The one thing in my life that I am ever truly sure of is that I am never truly sure of anything in my life.  It seems as if I am always searching for something and looking for a way to run away. I'm constantly looking for answers that never seem to come and I'm continuously looking for my bliss.  More than anything I am on a never ending path of trying to figure out my life.

I look at the things around me and so many things reach out to me.  All the life lessons that someone else learns, positive thoughts, and words of wisdom.  They all ring out in my thoughts as my mind wonders.  I am in this endless loop and I find that I am running off all the right people and keeping the majority of the wrong.  Though, there are those few strong, courageous souls that stick by me and they are some of the greatest people that I know.  However, this rambling dreamer finds her path lonely on the search for bliss.

I have a bad habit of speaking my mind; especially, when I am tired.  It is quite amazing how little ability of control I have when I am tired.  The sad part is, I always seem to be tired.  I have heard that happens when the mind is restless.  Mine...well, it is always restless.  The more embarrassingly sad part is the fact that this habit of speaking my mind tends to make me look bitchy and negative.  The girl inside me isn't like that, but the girl that tends to live the most really kind of is.

The girl that lives the most is this little Oklahoma girl that has spent her entire life dreaming of all the things that she wanted.  She was never quite popular in school and made fun of quite frequently.  She wanted to grow up and be the type of girl that everyone loved and stood in line to get to know.  She wanted to do things that made her important and made her worthy of more.  That girl has never quite been able to find her footing and she is constantly searching for the place where she belongs.  That girl is the girl that people stop listening to, because they get tired of hearing all the dreams.  I would like to say that is not true, but unfortunately-I had someone tell me that once. That they had quit listening to me, because I was always "going somewhere to do something".  That has been weighing on my mind a lot lately.

I have had the opportunity to move to so many different states and go to several different universities.  I've changed my major so many times and my dreams change quicker than the socks I wear.  Things have just never quite worked out, though.  Finances have always been the hugest issue.  Who knows where I'd be living if I'd had the money way back when.  Then again, it is says that everything happens for a reason, but I'll be damned if I can figure out what that is.

Lately, the role of being a full time working, nursing student has been wearing on me.  When I took this path, I thought for sure that it was truly was what I was meant to be doing.  First, it didn't start out the way that I wanted and now that I'm embarking on the end of LPN path, I'm not sure it is ending the way that I wanted either.  I've been pondering a change and unsure as to why.  Maybe it is the end of life reality, maybe it is exhaustion, maybe it is stress, or maybe it really is that I'm realizing I am on the wrong path.  Amongst other things, that is something that I cannot seem to find the answer to.

When I have days like today where the instructor praises me for doing something that a good nurse does, I feel confident that my choice is right and that I can accomplish it; however, when my energy starts to fade it becomes this, "I don't want to work this hard" because I really don't.  There is a free-spirited wild fire that wants to explore the world.  I want to live before I no longer have the chance to do that.  I want to live while I still know what is worth living for.

It often seems that this free-spirited wild fire is fighting with the the girl that lives the most, which is why my soul is constantly in turmoil.  The girl I want to be vs. the girl that I am.  The sad part is I just do not know how to stop being the girl that I am and I don't like that girl so I really cannot expect anyone else to like her either.  

I truly am not a bad person, but I'm not sure how much stock can be placed in that when you have to say that about yourself.  I do tend to speak my mind more often than not; especially, about those things that annoy me.  I am learning to deal with that, but I'd give the world to anyone that I can. I often over try or do not try hard enough.  I speak too much but not enough and my words-they are nothing more than the blunt reality as it is seen by a rambling dreamer that is still waiting for God to give her some dreams.