I will not go into detail over the other things, but I could easily mention how my money went from healthy to zero or the flooding of the apartment. I could also mention the job that wasn’t what it was supposed to be and it definitely wasn’t what I applied for. The lack of people I’ve met and the even fewer that have stuck around. Those things could also be taken as signs, but those are mild compared to the last eight months.
As I’ve come closer to finish my practical nursing path, I’ve noticed that my priorities have changed. Not because of the path itself, but the reality that this path has brought on. The reality of what I really want like that cowboy to love me and the life that I want to live…or just the fact that I want to live. The whole biological clock thing, I use to laugh in its face and now I’m begging for it to be my friend. By the way, would not recommend laughing in the face of the biological clock, that thing likes to bite. The point being, I’d spent a long time ignoring my inner self and what it was trying to tell me and now it is fighting back and with a vengeance.
I’ve always struggled with my path and my inner spirit. Ignoring what the girl inside of me wanted and my heart’s true desires. Well, eight months ago it really started getting to me and weighing heavier than it had ever been. It apparently got tired of me ignoring it, because it started fighting back. Who would have thought that it would be stronger than me? Though, the princess is a pretty tough cookie, so I guess that I shouldn’t be overly surprised.
Since September, I’ve battled some pretty major pains and onset of sickies that come out of nowhere, aches, pains, migraines (which I’ve not had in a while), acne that had been conquered for years, and now rashes. RASHES? Hive like rashes, currently covering almost everything below my forehead and above my neck. Luckily, it appears you have to be up close and personal to notice them, but they are there and they itch. It is this latest rash, that kind of smacked me in the face; especially, since nothing in the last seven days has changed other than my mood. It made me think of an episode of Dharma and Greg.
In one of the episodes, Dharma did something that didn’t set right with her soul. In reaction to this misdeed, she started having an allergic reaction. Her face got all puffy and red. She looked like one big ole puff ball. The point is, it was this misdeed that didn’t set right with her soul that caused all of this and once she rectified the situation the symptoms went away. Now, I know that is television and it is not real. However, they say that are body reacts to our moods and the things I’ve done lately…they do not sit right with my soul.
Now, I’m not saying that I’ve done anything mean or anything like that, but my actions and decisions…I’m just saying, I think that they are having a heavier weight than I anticipated. It could be coincidence or it could not be, but I’m just saying that the powers that be seem to be using my body to talk to me.
As I come to the end of this nursing path and the end of my lease, I’ve been pondering whether to stay in Ohio or whether to move on. Sadly enough, there is not enough holding me here as I had hoped when I moved here. My time here was definitely supposed to go a lot different; however, that is neither here nor there. Knowing that this isn’t my final resting place, I’ve been planning on moving for the last eight months but this path…this move has tainted me. I’m afraid and I teeter back and forth.
I realize that this wasn’t necessarily meant to be, but the time here was necessary after I made the decision. With that, though, the lessons that I learned here have made me quite afraid to try it again. Afraid that if it is not meant to be, or if I pick the wrong location, that things will be just as heart wrenching as what they were here. The financial struggles, I really cannot bear anymore of those right now. So, I ponder whether I should just stay here, in Ohio, another year…what is another year. I could build up some time I don’t have near enough time to get things done before I’d have to move out if I do not renew my lease. Work as a nurse for a year…what is another year? My body disagrees with my mind.
When I start pondering the staying, the rashes seem to flare up or the migraines. I get a sick pitted “seriousness” in my stomach. I don’t know…just thinking it is a little bit too much to be just a coincidence. I also think that maybe it is time that I started listening to my spirit, soul, and inner voice. Something has got to give and considering that the only thing that changes on a daily basis is my stress level and my questioning whether to keep fighting, I’d say it is the powers that be and not much else.
Our bodies know more about us than we do. We can pretend that the mild signs and symptoms mean nothing, but the odds are they are trying to tell us something. We all believe in signs in one way or another, whether we want to admit it or not. We ignore them more often than not, because they are not the signs that we necessarily want. We have a plan and we want it our way. Sometimes this works and sometimes it does not. Sometimes our body is trying to tell us when we’ve made the wrong decision and when we need to further explore. It is time that we started listening to those signs. Believe me, better now than later. Just as we do not like to be ignored, our inner selves do not like it when we ignore them either and they’re a lot tougher than we are.
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