I used to be a lucky girl, but that was some time ago. I can remember when it was, but those memories seem like a faded dream. It is amazing how much can change. Was it the decision I made? Was it the timing? Was it just the way my path was laid? I guess there is only one man that truly knows that answer. Still I use to be a lucky girl and wonder now where I went wrong.
I can remember every concert that I have ever gone to and out of all of them I only had to pay for a limited few. If there were concert tickets to be won, Lady Luck was on my side. I even won some money occasionally. I traveled regularly and met a friend wherever I went and my biggest accomplishment was the truck of my dreams (not exactly but it was a truck and it was to my desire at the time). To me, I was a lucky girl and was certain my time would come.
I was accepted for who I was and certain of where I’d go. I smile thinking that, but it breaks my heart a bit as well. That was over three years ago. Seems like a whole other life. Now it feels like I am “a when God thinks about it” girl and I struggle with my path.
Ever since I moved to Ohio (and I cannot lie -sometime before that as well) the luck has faded, the path has become rougher, and being my self is a lot harder to do. People don’t want to hear that, though. No, most people just want to hear the good things. A positive attitude creates everything. Be one with this and be one with that….hosh posh. Easier said than done; especially, when your life has changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. I am not going to lie that it could be worse. It could be a lot worse, but it doesn’t change that it has changed drastically for me and not in the best of ways.
I am not whining by any sorts, just speaking the truth of what is. Having gone from a life of some what luxury and adventure to a life where I feel like an invisible wallflower by the one man that is supposed to love everybody, it is a hard adjustment. It is especially hard when there are dreams you want to chase and it seems as if nothing goes in your favor. Some of those dreams require a little bit of luck (one of them a lot of luck) and since my luck seems to have taken a permanent vacation, it is hard to want to take a chance. My heartache list is long enough.
Still the thought of writing for Quarter Horse News, wow, that truly would be a major dream to begin all dreams. Alas while trying to listen to signs, the journalism dream went to the waste side as things never quite worked out and reality of bills set in. The job script didn’t say a degree in journalism was required, but you cannot tell me that they are going to let some mediocre, “write when I can”, “haven’t been inspired in a while” writer join their masses. So, why take a chance? I’d rather dream of what it would have been like.
That is something else that changed. That lucky girl, she had no fear. That lucky girl, she was relentless. That lucky girl, she was lucky and took on the world even when she was convinced it was against her. She put herself out there, because that was the only way to do it. She is gone and I miss her, that lucky girl. She got ticked or hurt, maybe even deceased when she moved to Ohio. She wasn’t strongest for this path. She tried to be, but even the strongest bull has its breaking point.
There were dreams and aspirations when moving here to Ohio. From the day of the first move, those dreams went out the window but she kept trekking on. Even amongst the flooding (I would like to say that is a metaphor but unfortunately I really did flood my apartment and the two underneath me), the lack of money, the borrowing of money, and then loss of a best friend (yes, my truck was my friend), and really none four wheel friends; that lucky girl kept trekking on. Bound and determine to make the best of it all and for a year she thought that she had it made, but alas it ended like all the rest. Now here I sit wondering what the heck happened.
Some would say that this is the way that it is mean to be. This is God’s plan and I need to accept it. All good things come to those who wait. Patience is a virtue. Blah, blah, blah….YES, I KNOW. Still it doesn’t make God’s path any easier when you are the one living the life and watching your dreams come true for everyone else but you. As you wonder if you even have dreams anymore; especially, when you don’t seem to care about the path that seemed so right at the time. Still I keep trekking on, but not because I am no longer a lucky girl. No, I’m just a girl with nothing else to do.
I use to be a lucky girl and not just because I use to win things without having to fight or cheat like a lot of other people do. No, I was a lucky girl because I was convinced I could take on the world. Now, I’m just a girl with nothing else to do and wondering if the path has reached it cap or if this is God’s way of saying that this was a test and you failed. You should have gone West instead of following that safeness that went East.
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