Today, I gave away a friend.
Well, it was my cat and I guess the truth is that we have not been
friends in quite some time. I’ve had him
thirteen years. Got him when he was six weeks old so I cannot lie, it did feel
like I was betraying a friend. However,
like I said, we hadn’t been friends in quite a while.
We had a great relationship for many years. Like I said, I got him when he was a
kitten. I had another dog at the time
and to be honest, I thought that the dog would chase him away. That did not happen, but we still had a good
thing going. He was cute when he was a kitten and for quite a few years
following. Then about nine years into is
when it started going to hell.
It is my fault really I brought another dog into the
relationship. Seek had been on his own
for so long and gotten use to there not being a dog in the house. Then I bring in a new dog that is all about
getting to know him or at least make sure that he got nowhere near me. Seek couldn’t handle that and started marking
his place. I should have seen the end
then, but I did not. I was able to
rectify the situation and things were good until three years ago.
Three years ago, I moved here. Moving here did not only turn
my life upside down, but it turned Seek’s upside down as well. His littler box was more out in the open and
Ramsey was all about being every where he was. Mainly to make sure that he was
not messing with her things or getting something that she wasn’t. Seek went back to marking his spot, but
fortunately not with urine. At least not at first, but eventually that came to.
I’ve known for a while that this relationship was over, but
I always felt so guilty about wanting to get rid of him. I felt that it was something that I was doing
or not doing and I was trying everything (short of getting rid of the dog,
which I figure is the issue). Coming to
my wits end I had to make a decision. He
finally broke me and since he refused to leave, I had to do it for him.
I had to chase him down to get him, which indicates to me
that he knew what was coming. He then
meowed the second that we stepped out the door.
Meowed non-stop the second we got in the car and sat on my lap for a
little bit. That broke my heart even
more. When I moved from Oklahoma to Indiana, he
rode on my lap the entire way from Illinois
to my parent’s house. He kept meowing
all the way to the Humane Society. That was and hour's drive so that was A LOT
of meowing.
I felt like the world’s worse person. Like I was a failure
and like I was abandoning a friend. I really did, but when I go to the Humane
Society and put him in the little carrier, I think we both knew. He meowed until I walked in the door and then
he stopped. Just got silent and there
was not another meow to be heard. I thought maybe he was distracted by the
kittens, because there were several.
Then I thought maybe he was just meowed out, but I realize now that I
think we just both knew that it was over. We had reached our end.
Seek wouldn’t let me pet him after that and he would barely
look at me. I tried to tell the woman
all his good qualities so she could make sure that they were passed on in hopes
that he would find a good home, but she didn’t care. I walked out the door in tears and cried for
a several miles, but as I drove on I realized that it was the right thing to
do. I hold on to way too much even when
I know that it is done and over.
I hold on to clothes that I know that I will never wear just
in case. The boxes and totes of old
stories, school work, bills, and things I’m afraid to throw away because you
just never know. Then there are the
people. The so many people that I have collected over the years. Some of which I know are really no good for
me and yet I keep them around. I’m
afraid of what will happen if I let go.
Terrified really. I know that I’m
not alone.
We are afraid of so many things and in return we hold on to
things that are often no good for us.
Hoarding things we think that we will need. Holding on to relationships that have well
reached their end. It is our way of remaining on to some kind of comfort. Fulfilling something, but the funny thing is
that we often do not even know what that something is. It is just something to hold on to that gives
us a sense of ourselves, a memory, or something else that we feel defines us
and we are afraid of what will happen if we let it go. We are afraid of what will happen if we start
letting ourselves go.
It is weird that I came to this simply by giving up a cat. A
cat that had been a part of my life for 13 years and a cat that secretly I had
wished would run away quite frequently just to save me the trouble. It is easier to have things leave us than it
is just to let it go ourselves. For us
to let something go, it means that we have to accept the fact that we are
changing and the fact that things are not the way we pictured them to be. Accepting that some times things just do not
work and we have to find a new way.
This was a change I needed to make and I cannot say that it
is an easy one. I know it is not easy on Ramsey, which is strange since I didn’t
think she liked him; however, it is a change that was necessary none the less.
I hope that I can make some of the other difficult decisions that I need to
make and let go of some of the so many things that I’ve been holding on to with
the fear of what will happen if I let them go.
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